E-flirting is especially dangerous for you to engage in because as you do it, you're not getting signals back from your intended love's face as to whether this is working (nods, smiles and winks) boring (dull, flat reaction) or annoying (eye-rolling).
A lot of people whom you'd be flirting with would see no problem letting you keep writing in an amorous manner because there's really no negative consequences to it for them. There are no friends or roommates who ask, "Why are you spending so much time with this guy (or girl)?" If you were sitting on a park bench with someone lovely and getting flirty, you could slowly scoot down the bench while making good eye contact, talking about cheerful things and winking. You're invading the personal space of your intended love. If this is unwelcome, you'll get a pretty immediate reaction from most people. You'll either get whacked in the face, or left behind on the bench.
Trying to charm someone with adjectives over e-mail won't have the same reaction. From my experience, most girls find this amusing, sort of like watching a dog chase its tail – kind of funny, but there's no reason to join in.
Thus, e-flirting becomes a sub-reality in which your unrequited love seems to be getting returned (he or she writes you back). The encouragement that you get develops into an entire fantasy world that you start telling your friends about (big mistake) and the anticipation inside of you develops into a massive crescendo of passion that will come to a peak when you next get to see your friend and he or she wants to turn all those adjectives into action.
This never happens. Really, your friend is tolerant of your overly enthusiastic silliness and hopes that you're not serious about it because he or she is going to have to give you the "just friends" speech.
My own experience
Some years back, I was visiting a women's monastery (this should've been a big clue) when I met a tall, slender young woman who went to college across the state from me. I'll call her Katharine. "Katharine" gave me good eye contact when she talked to me and she appeared to actually be listening to me when I talked. One of the nuns there gave us a lesson on the importance of trusting in God, and Katharine asked a question about whether you can trust yourself to say the right prayers. Mother Magdalena gave a good answer, and then I decided to show off by saying, "The Bible has prayers for those who don't know how to pray, for example, 'O Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!' (Mark 9:24)" While I said that, I was thinking, "Help me believe this girl is as interested in me as I am in her!"
Later on, Katharine said she thought my answer was really good. My ears got hot and I asked her for her e-mail address. We started writing back and forth each day, and my hope grew and grew that she would be "the one!"
I wrote unusually long and involved e-mails to her, trying to sound like a sensitive, sophisticated kind of guy that a girl could talk to about anything. And, I wanted to sound smart but not nerdy, interested but not needy, and I was always trying to leave room for her to write something affectionate back to me.
I am putting excerpts from the e-mails that I sent to her into this chapter. The plain text is what I wrote to her; the colored text is what I was thinking as I wrote them. You could say the plain text was written in "impress-a-girl," and the colored text is "actual-boy-thought." These e-mails don't actually include anything that she wrote me because Katharine is a real person (who may actually read this blog) and I'm not trying to poke fun at her.
I'll explain how this actually turned out below.
--------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 09:25:30 -0800 (PST)
From: Eric Ruthford
To: Katharine Anderson
Subject: RE: Hi monastery friend!
Hi Katharine,
Great to hear from you!
I was baptized into the Orthodox Church at the age of 22. I didn't belong to any church before that. My family is pretty secular. Eventually what converted me was an Orthodox friend who was attending PLU. Recently he was ordained to the diaconate.
See, I have a story not unlike yours.My home is Maple Valley, Wash., in the suburbs of Seattle, and that's where most of my family is. I have a sister in Juneau who works for the National Weather Service.
Juneau's really scenic. And, there's a 110-year-old Orthodox church there. Wouldn't you like to go there with me?I have known the nuns at the monastery since September of last year when I went up there for a talk by Father Thomas Hopko.
Fr. Tom's talks involve a lot of shouting, but for some reason, they're a great place to meet women.It's a wonderful place, so peaceful. At times I've thought about monasticism myself, having spent some time in the Svatogorska monastery in Eastern Ukraine. One interesting thing that Mother Magdalena said to me, though, was that one of the reasons people find monasteries so peaceful is that they're on retreat when they visit. When you take up tonsure, it becomes the front line, and can be much more difficult.
Actually, what I'd really rather do is marry a beautiful tall girl like you. But, I do enjoy visiting monasteries, and I can talk endlessly about monasticism with you… so long as I get to keep talking to you.I think you do really have to trust yourself to be able to pray when difficult situations arise, and you can't really worry about them too much in advance. That is, provided that you do actually pray when they happen. And prayer doesn't have to be eloquent, nor does it have to make any sense. Sometimes, you'll ask God for unreasonable things... but as my father confessor in Ukraine said to me, God is like a father of a little child. The child can beg to be allowed to play with matches, but the father won't allow it. And God is patient with you, too.
See, I can be spiritual. That's what girls like, right?In Christ,
Thomas
p.s. What's your major?
Date: Sun, 3 Apr 2005 17:07:00 -0700 (PDT)
From: Eric Ruthford
To: Katharine Anderson
Subject: RE: Hi monastery friend!
Dear Katharine,
History and German studies sound very interesting... my own undergraduate degrees were journalism and European history. I don't know if you've read any of Chris Browning's books, but he's this famous Holocaust historian. He taught at Pacific Lutheran University when I was a student there, and I got to take his Modern Germany course.
You're a history major? I like history, too! And we can go to history museums together, holding hands. Do you live near any nice museums?So are you liking "Sense and Sensibility"? Is it a book that you think boys can read? Someone once recommended "Pride and Prejudice," also by Jane Austen to me after I got out of the Peace Corps, but the first sentence frightened me so much that I put the book right back on the shelf and ran away:
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."
Having spent two years trying to dodge Ukrainians who viewed this as being the case regarding their daughters and this far-flung funny American, I simply could not find that the slightest bit humorous. Sort of like some of the Greeks I know who didn't find "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" to be the slightest bit funny because it was too accurate. But some people seem to find "Pride and Prejudice" funny.
Actually, this kind of chick lit makes me gag. But, maybe there will be some romantic allegory in the book I can use to charm you with after I read it. And, telling you about the cute Ukrainian girls who tried to nab me shows that I have standards and that you have to compete. Or, telling you all this crap makes me sound gay. Either way, it's better to keep you talking, so I'll just keep blathering.A poet from the same period in England whom I really like is Samuel Taylor Coleridge. Have you read any of his work? I especially like the "Rime of the Ancient Mariner." It's a journey into sin, and back out again, and how dreadfully difficult it is to come out of it when you're feeling stuck there. It's like you have an albatross stuck around your neck, and your throat is too dry to pray.
Now wouldn't that be really romantic, a girl reading my favorite poem to have something to talk about with me? Please, please, please, fulfill my lyrical fantasy!The Debussy CD you got sounds nice. Just before Christmas, a professor recommended Brahms "A German Requiem" and it's just amazing. It's contemplative, uplifting, Biblical, and, oddly enough, written about death!
See, I like music, too, which girls like. We'll get to the fact that I'm tone-deaf later.DC was nice. I got to go to the Smithsonian and see all kinds of neat stuff there... the American History Musuem, the Air and Space Museum, and the National Gallery. The dogwoods are in bloom there. I especially recommend the History of Science section of the Smithsonian. It's neat and nerdy.
Wouldn't you like to go to the Smithsonian with me? I can take lots of pictures of you on The Mall.Well, I'm about to fall asleep at the keyboard from all the traveling and the hour that got eaten by the time shift. But please write back. And, tell me, what are you doing during the summer? Do you come to Pittsburgh often? It sure would be nice to talk with you again in person.
In Christ,
Thomas
Yes, in person! Let's go somewhere that I can turn this flowery prose into action. Whoo hoo!Date: Tue, 5 Apr 2005 10:03:43 -0700 (PDT)
From: Eric Ruthford
To: Katharine Anderson
Subject: RE: Hi monastery friend!
Hi Katharine,
Will you have some free time on the weekend of Palm Sunday? I am trying to twist Nick's arm into taking me to State University. I want to see this church everybody talks about, Holy Trinity. And, I want to see you, also.
Isn't that romantic? Or does it sound needy?If you can come out on Friday afternoon, May 7, I could take you out to dinner at one of Pittsburgh's finer eating establishments (it'll be a FAST-FREE FRIDAY! WHEE!) and then you could stay with Laura or someone else from the Orthodox crowd around here and take the GRE the next day, well-fed.
I get a little excited on fast-free Fridays… do you?As for your thoughts about literature... this is the sort of thing better contemplated in a nice quiet room with some Brahms, Bach or Tchaikovsky playing on the stereo and a nice cup of Rose Hibiscus tea on the nightstand. So I have printed out your letter and I will write a reply there.
Yes… come into my study where we can sip tea and be nice and quiet together.One last question – which St. Katharine are you named after?
I'm going to look up your saint's icon just so I can say, "You're even prettier than your icon!"Well, write back when you have the chance.
In Christ,
Thomas
Date: Wed, 6 Apr 2005 10:31:42 -0700 (PDT)
From: Eric Ruthford
To: Katharine Anderson
Subject: RE: Hi monastery friend!
Hi Katharine,
I think we will have some time to meet! Nick wants to see a lecture by an old professor of his, so we would have to be there in time for that, which I think starts at noon. Then, I could go to the concert. What do you play? Or do you sing? I have sent Nathan an e-mail to twist his arm. And, if that doesn't work, I can take God's gift to the carless -- Greyhound!
That's how desperate I am… willing to spend five hours on a bus riding with freaks who can't be trusted with cars.May the Mother of God protect you,
Thomas
Date: Fri, 8 Apr 2005 11:09:56 -0700 (PDT)
From: Eric Ruthford
To: Katharine Anderson
Subject: Be checking your mail...
Dear Katharine,
Glory to Jesus Christ!
I just wanted to let you know that I sent a snail-mail letter today to the address that you gave me. So be looking for that.
The fact that I've just sent you a letter is worthy of an e-mail in of itself.I've gotten through a pretty stressful week, and I've got two meetings with profs today. My main priority today is to clean my room and go to bed early.
Stressful, yes, but talking with you is like a nice backrub. Wouldn't you like one of those?May the Mother of God protect you!
In Christ,
Thomas
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 09:31:54 -0700 (PDT)
From: Eric Ruthford
To: Katharine Anderson
Subject: RE: Hi monastery friend!
Hi Katharine,
Wonderful to hear from you!
No worries about what kind of stationary to write on... the paper I used was from this art store in our student-union building at CMU. The paper just leapt out at me.
Yes, I spent 70 cents a sheet on handmade paper that has little flowers embossed in it in the hopes that this will charm the socks off you. Does that make me sound romantic or gay? Pretty soon, I'm going to ask you what your favorite flowers are so that I can plant them in the front yard.Something else that I have heard recently: On Friday, May 6 at 6 p.m., we are going to get a new bishop. You could come out that day and see your new bishop. It'll be something of a big deal.
You want to go on a date to an enthronement?I'll be eagerly checking my mailbox over the next several days! And, I'm really looking forward to seeing you at State University, and to seeing your performance!
She invited me to see a performance of Mahler's Fifth Symphony, and she'll perform in the choir near the end of it. I think the choir sings for a whole five minutes. I guess this gives an actual pretext for the visit.With love in Christ,
Thomas
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sat, 16 Apr 2005 20:32:55 -0700 (PDT)
From: Eric Ruthford
To: Katharine Anderson
Subject: RE: Hi monastery friend!
You know, the running subject line of these e-mails is beginning to make me wonder if I'm not thinking about this the way she is. But I'll ignore this doubt. I've got love on my mind!Hi Katharine,
I'm glad to hear that your shift went so well. And it's nice that you're able to stay in contact with your old friend and your sister.
I went over to the apartment of Yevgen and Zhanna, a young couple who have come over from Ukraine so that Yevgen can study at Carnegie Mellon. They are Orthodox, and we are preparing the buffet together. I also got to play with Yulia, their little daughter.
Babies are really nice. How would you like to have a few?Um... one other thing... if Nathan can't drive me and help me in finding lodging... do you know some boys who have an open floor that they can spare?
Chasing girls on the other side of the state kind of stinks when you haven't got a car.I, too, love Cheerios. I've been eating them since I was 3. Tell me, do you like scrambled eggs? If so, what are acceptable toppings on them? What are inacceptable toppings? :-) This is just curiosity, so don't worry, there's no answer that's going to cause me to go all judgmental or anything on you....
We both like the same breakfast cereal. It's true love. YESSS!!Does your sister have a family?
Yeah, and would you like one?Well, I'll look forward to your paper letter on Monday.
In Christ,
Thomas
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 2005 22:26:32 -0700 (PDT)
From: Eric Ruthford
To: Katharine Anderson
Subject: Re: this weekend
Dear Katharine,
Oh, I think we can talk about breakfast foods, but since it is Lent, we shouldn't be pushing anyone towards temptation. So, I'll write the names of the non-Lenten foods in code, and then you can decode them after Pascha.
My thoughts are that ketchup is a wonderful topping on delbmarcs sgge. In fact, I am a fan of ketchup in general, especially Heinz Ketchup, because I am attending the Heinz School of Public Policy and Management right now, so Heinz Ketchup money is subsidizing my education.
Yes, I actually thought it was cute to write "scrambled eggs" backwards and make jokes about Heinz Ketchup. And, the idea that names of food are unspeakable during Lent is a joke so lame that the Onion Dome would reject it out of hand. But I have to keep the conversation going somehow.I don't particularly approve of ketchup on pasta or ketchup on potatoes... I have one Italian friend who tells me that ketchup on spaghetti is sacrilege.
And this particular Italian girl kept a mildly romantic e-mail correspondence with me for a year before dumping me. But let's not go into that. And please, please, don't get tired of reading this stuff and dump me!I made French Toast for my Mom, and cooked it one slice at a time, verrrrry slowly, with the door to her room open. After a half hour, she was still asleep, so I cooked another slice, but halfway through, took the pan off the stove and took it up to her room and began fanning it at her... she did get up about 15 minutes after that... passive wake-up methods...:-)
Wouldn't you like to meet my family? I'm sure they'd like you.My sister is 29 years old and lives in Juneau, Alaska, and seems to be single. Last I asked her, she said that the heavily male demographics of Alaska weren't all they were cracked up to be. "The odds are good, but the goods are odd," she said.
Funny joke, isn't it? Laugh. Please laugh!I've been to three or four Orthodox wedding services, two in Slavonic, two in English. The first English wedding I went to, I was the best man! That was kind of scary. I was supposed to look all supportive and dapper and have a straight tie for two or three hours during the service, which was a major task in of itself, especially when I wanted to cry at the beginning when they sang "The Angel Cried" (they got married during Pascha).
See, I'm not afraid to get emotional. And, is this wedding talk having any effect on you?What made this even more difficult is the fact that there was no maid of honor. Under Serbian tradition, the best man and the maid of honor (well, matron of honor) have to be married to each other. They are the kum and the kuma, and then they become the godparents of the couple's children. But, as they pointed out, I had forgotten the kuma, and so I was there all by myself, standing behind them, holding this candle and trying to keep the crown from falling off of Barnabas' head.
Hint, hint, hint… you could be the godmother of some lovely children. You just have to marry their godfather.---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 2005 22:46:42 -0700 (PDT)
From: Eric Ruthford
To: Katharine Anderson
Subject: One question answered...
Hi Katharine,
So, I just heard from Nick, and he's not driving. So, it's the big red, white and blue limousine for me. I have the choice of arriving in State University on a bus that gets there at 2:15 p.m., or one that gets there at 4:30 p.m. I can do either. Are there issues of time conflict that would make one preferable to the other for you?
This was supposed to be my pretext for the trip, a "guys' road trip." Now I don't have one… everyone will be able to see this is a lame attempt at wooing a girl. Maybe I should just come right out and say what's on my mind. But wouldn't it be so much more romantic if we "clicked" in person?I'm really looking forward to it!
I think I'm going to die if you don't feel the same way about me.In Christ,
Thomas
p.s. I drew a little rectangle in my mailbox today labeled "Katharine's letter goes here" so that the postal workers would know where to put your letter. I'll look again tomorrow. I guess tax season has things slowed down a bit.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 20 Apr 2005 18:23:48 -0700 (PDT)
From: Eric Ruthford
To: Katharine Anderson
Subject: Your letter!
Hi Katharine,
Your letter finally came! I was getting a little antsy waiting for it, but I guess I have to accept that all those tax returns that slowed it down are what keep the roads paved and such... :-)
She sent me this letter on April 15, tax day, and it took 5 days for the @*&% thing to go 150 miles. I opened my mailbox every day expecting it to be there and getting close to bridge-jumping each time it wasn’t. And Pittsburgh has a lot of bridges to choose from.I'm delighted by your improvised stationary! And the poetry is nice, too. I could go on for pages about how wonderful your thoughts are, but I think I will wait until I have the opportunity to talk them over with the wonderful girl who thought them up!
She wrote a poem! It had nothing to do with love, but all poetry is romantic!With love in Christ,
Thomas
------------------------------------------------------------
What actually happened
This turned into a romantic pilgrimage of the silliest kind. A romantic pilgrimage is a trip to visit a church far away where you know someone lovely attends church. The romantic pilgrimage has no other purpose than to try charming this special someone, which means your chances of getting disappointed are really, really high. If you want to read more about romantic pilgrimages, click here.
It was a week before finals started in my graduate school program, which wasn't the best time to go running across the state, but I didn't see any other convenient time to meet her. And, I figured, I was going to leave Pennsylvania to go work in California in August, so I had only four months to get to know her before our relationship became "super long-distance."
And, with that, I had come up with a phony reason to rush things. This, I should add, is another sign that you're in an unrequited-love fantasy land.
I got on a bus in Pittsburgh and we started across the state, going through coal mining country and seeing lots of steep but not very tall hills. Behind me sat a guy who was a professional sandblaster who could earn $58 an hour blasting surfaces off of bridges. His favorite thing to do with his money was fly to Amsterdam. He'd lost his license for too many DWIs. There was also a 17-year-old girl sitting nearby who was getting acquainted with the guy by discussing their favorite kinds of hard liquors. Whenever they came upon one they both liked, she'd exclaim "F--- yeah!"
I had my copy of Sense and Sensibility, which I had checked out from the library. I read it stealthily, hiding the cover from Mr. Sandblaster whenever he looked over. My intent was that I'd have something to talk about with Katharine. I had hope that this trip would have a happy Jane Austen ending (but without all the intervening conflict). I read about Mrs. John Dashwood, a widow, and her three spinster daughters trying to get married. When Marianne slips and sprains her ankle, a handsome, dashing young man named Willoughby comes to her rescue and carries her home. For several more weeks, Mr. Willoughby calls regularly, causing Marianne to be positively entranced, until he runs away on business to London unexpectedly, and does not come back, leaving Marianne to spend at least sixty pages bitterly disappointed.
I got up to page 130 or so by the time we got to the town where Katharine both lived and studied. Her father came and got me at the bus stop and took me to their house. I put my stuff in the extra bedroom, and her Dad gave me directions to the restaurant where she was working and would soon get off shift. It was between lunch and dinner, so the restaurant was empty. She came out and gave me a big hug and told me how glad she was to have me there and that she'd missed me. My ears got hot again.
That evening was the performance of Mahler's Fifth Symphony, a work which was inspired, in part, by Mahler's having survived a near-death experience of an intestinal hemorrhage. I sat next to her father listening to this 80-minute swirl of extreme emotions of life and death and love, thinking that the tension of whether I was going to get this girl was going to kill me, too. Mr. Girl's Father sat next to me, not showing much emotion. He struck me as very German, by which I mean that he was a welcoming fellow, but his face didn't give away... anything. He seemed to like me, though.
The next day, Katharine took me on a tour of her university, showing me the museum and the galleries. We went out to lunch together and she made me feel genuinely welcomed, and I kept asking her what her long-term plans were, and she said she wanted to get a Fulbright scholarship.
"What about you?" she asked.
Here was my opportunity to steer the conversation from all this chatty stuff to real love. "Restart my heart," I thought but did not say.
I made a gurgling noise instead and sipped some water, finally blurting out, "I love all these adventures I've been having like the Peace Corps, but I'm really looking for more... uh... stability and I'd... uh.... like to get married... uh..." (her face dropped) "... someday. And I think you're... uh... wonderful and uh..."
She said, "I'm really focusing my life on monasticism. I've been visiting monasteries all over the country for the past year. The one I think I like best is in North Carolina."
I said, "Oh," and I spent about five minutes staring at my thumbnails.
She took me back to her parents' house, and told me how honored she was that I was willing to be open with her. The next day, I got back on the bus to Pittsburgh, pulled "Sense and Sensibility" out of my bag, whacked myself in the head with it several times and muttered to myself about why a good little nun would be reading such romantic dreck like this. I got off the bus and went directly to the library, chucked the unfinished novel in the return slot of the library (I assume that Mrs. Dashwood and her daughters all died single) wrote a bread-and-butter letter to her parents thanking them for putting me up for two nights and I said, "This stupid trip is OVER!"
Finals week started, which also happened to be Holy Week. Putting the two together did have a special way of putting one's mind on the Crucifixion. My priest asked me how the trip had gone. I gave him a pained look and said, "She thought it would be better to tell me in person that she wanted to be a nun."
Three weeks later, Katharine and her father drove to Pittsburgh for the enthronement of the new bishop. They found me and took me out to dinner afterwards. Her father took the opportunity to ask me all kinds of questions about my family, my studies, my conversion to Orthodoxy, and left me with the impression that I had just gotten the "future son-in-law" interview. He seemed to really like me. So did Katharine, about as well as a good nun was supposed to like a boy.
I wasn't sure, but I walked away with the impression that Dad wasn't entirely on board with the whole "future nun" trajectory for his daughter, and I provided a convenient reason to hope for grandchildren. I think I was there to temporarily keep her father happy.
She later moved to Washington, DC, and sometimes went to events of the Orthodox Christian Fellowship there, and there were lots of young people there. But, she said, she was getting tired of going, because, "They're such meat markets. All the guys there just want wives."
Katharine kept in touch from time to time, and I still met girls from time to time at conferences and seminaries. But, I swore I would never again read too much in to what a girl was saying to me. I had been talking to myself for a month in all those chatty e-mails.
A year later, the direct approach finally worked. I called up a girl on the phone and said, "Would you like to come to the Asian Art Musuem with me on Tuesday?"
She said, "Yes."
During the date, I held her hand and said, "I think you're wonderful. Let's go out again tomorrow night."
She said, "I think this is a date that's gone very well. Let's do that!"
0 comments:
Post a Comment