Well, buddy, you’ve struck out with the local talent, and you can’t tell whether your pen friend on orthodoxchristiandating.com actually exists, but you’ve still got matrimony on your mind. You pray there’s an Orthodox girl out there somewhere for you, but you’re getting a little desperate. If you’re thinking about taking a road trip and showing up for church some distance from home where a lovely handmaiden attends Liturgy, you’re not alone.
The Guide to Romantic Pilgrimages will give you tips on how to go with the right attitude. While we at St. Vladika’s Press have never known such a journey to succeed, we hope to make your heartbreak a growing experience for you. Here are some tips from the guide:
Pick a girl whom you already know, at least vaguely. While the grannies in your parish probably mean well when they tell you about Little Miss Delightful in the town 100 miles away, imagine walking up to her and saying, "Hi, you don’t know me, but the little old ladies in my parish say that you’re perfect for me." Another line that might not work: "Does the choir perform every Sunday? Wow, that’s amazing. So does our choir!"
Pick a girl whose sanity is in the "dull normal" range. For example, avoid the single mother who was drawn to Orthodoxy by the story of a martyr who endured a thousand spear stabbings, which really reminded her of her divorce settlement.
Let her know that you’re coming. When the girl you met at the youth conference writes a chatty e-mail ending with "I miss you," that doesn’t necessarily mean, "I want you to show up on my door unannounced with a bouquet of flowers."
Come up with a plausible alternate excuse for the trip. For most girls, the idea of a boy traveling 500 miles just to see her kind of freaks her out. Think of something else in the neighborhood worth seeing. During coffee hour after Liturgy at her church, people will ask, "What brings you out here?" Don’t say, "I’ve always wanted to venerate the tablecloth upon which St. Tikhon rested his elbow in 1911."
Go to Confession with your priest before leaving. If you’re visiting a parish at which Confession is required the day of going to Holy Communion, be sure to be extra good the week leading up to your trip. This is especially true if you’re pursuing a priest’s daughter. Unless you want the parish priest following you around during coffee hour with a pair of handcuffs, make sure the interesting stuff gets confessed before your trip.
If you do decide to go chasing the random girl who does not know you, think of a good opening line. Considering that we at St. Vladika’s Press are unaware of a successful romantic pilgrim, we haven’t got any good ones to recommend, but here are a few ones that flopped:
- "May I borrow your prayer rope?"
- "My priest told me I didn’t have a chance with his daughter, so he told me to broaden my horizons and travel."
- "I’ve been thinking of becoming a monk; could you talk me out of it?"
- You remind me of St. Mary of Egypt."
Even if you are a conflicted soul about whether to be a monk, leave your klobuk at home. Nothing drives a girl crazy more than competing with St. Anthony of the Caves for your heart.
Read the Book of Tobit. This is a lovely story in the Old Testament of a young man going on a similar journey and getting married. But: burnt cod liver is not a sexy fragrance.
Don’t hit the same parish twice. Unless you enjoy seeing a clump of headscarves hiding in the corner of the choir loft when you arrive, accept your defeat.
Research the local public transportation in the girl’s city. Being driven around by a girl who does not like you but still feels obligated because you came from three states away is no fun at all. It’s about as close to breaking up with a live-in girlfriend as an Orthodox boy is allowed to come.
Take a hint. If she’s recommending an assortment of abbots whom you should visit, she’s probably not seeing a knight in shining armor in front of her.
Consider bringing your mother. Lame as this sounds, it can help provide a believable cover for the real purpose of your trip. But, be careful not to tell Mom too much, otherwise she and your would-be mother-in-law might become great friends before you start speaking to the girl, which would be embarrassing. On the other hand, you might earn some serious bravery points for still having the nerve to speak to the girl after your mother has blabbed about all this.
Take a photo album. If you’ve been on an interesting pilgrimage recently, you can show her pictures of cathedrals and stuff in the Old Country. Or, if you’re the godfather of a friend’s baby, show her pictures from the baptism. But don’t say anything when she sees the picture. It’ll either stir up her maternal instincts or the thought of carrying your DNA will terrify her.
If you’re a third-year seminarian, don’t tell her that your theological clock is ticking. So maybe you do really need to get married before you get ordained, but mentioning this in the first thirty seconds of your acquaintance can really freak a girl out. If you do succeed in going out to dinner with her, don’t start calling her "matushka."
Don’t flip out if you get rejected. Roll with the punches, big fella. If, as you’re getting on the bus back home, you’re crying about being exiled to Babylon, that means you’re taking this too seriously. Also, accept the fact that the story of your trip is going to be the cause of great hilarity among her girlfriends. A reputation of "lonely, sweet and dumb" is a lot easier to shake than "lonely, crazy and desperate." Think of it this way: On only one day of your life are you going to meet the right girl for the first time. If the average lifespan of an American male is 74, on any given day, you have a .004 percent chance of that day being the one you meet her. Besides, the story of your goofy trip may reach the ears of a girl as desperate as you, and she might try finding you at a youth conference next year.
Next: The Ultimate in Romantic Pilgrimages – A Trip to the Old Country.
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