Waiting -- Part II, Distractions

If you think you might want to be a monk or nun, you probably should focus on the category of spiritual growth mentioned in the previous post since part of the idea of monasticism is to make every moment a focused, holy work. (And get a real abbot or abbess to direct you.) But, if you’re like most of us, you’re going to goof off in your wandering/wondering time. Some goofing off is helpful, and some isn’t. Let’s start with…

Bad Distractions

Going out with a slimeball. My wife tells me that this is a real temptation for women – thinking that you cannot find a man who hopes for the life that you want to share and you lower your standards. Another variation on this distraction is being in a so-so relationship and deciding to compromise your standards to make it work. To know whether your guy is a slimeball, you have to ask your conscience, but here are a few signs you’re dating the wrong guy:

• He insists on calling your priest a mage, and is researching ways to block his powers.


• Says he’s religious but the only part of the Bible he likes is the Song of Solomon.


• He wishes you’d be more like a young St. Mary of Egypt.


• Roasts marshmallows over the candle stand during Liturgy.


• Makes hex symbols at your parents.


• Thinks the virgin martyrs were an example of abstinence-only education gone too darn far.


• Says his favorite Greek saint is Aphrodite.


• You tell him it’s a wine-and-oil day and he buys massage oil.
  

Giving up on actual humans and looking at naughty Web sites. This is more of a temptation for men than it is for women. It’ll really mess up your brain. Letting a pornographic image into your brain is sort of like allowing a zebra mussel into a lake. It’s an invasive species that never, ever leaves, and it reproduces quickly, outcompeting all the native species. To get an idea of what porn will do to your brain, read this article from the best-of-Craigslist titled, “Dear Internet Porn,” It’s got some explicit words in it, but it accurately describes the effects. Here’s a sample:

“Your softcore erotic videos were a tasteful introduction to my budding sexuality. As I got older I started seeing girls on the side. I knew you were jealous, but you have always held a special place in my heart. You became naughtier and it affected my relationships. I started wanting all the things I had seen you do. I wanted to be just like you.”

One priest I know gave me some very sage advice: Remember that your eyes have been chrismated. The purpose of the priest putting oil around your eyes, ears, mouth, heart, hands and feet was so that everything you saw, heard and did could be sanctified. In the very act of looking, we are called to glorify Christ.

My own personal war right now with what to look at is with this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. I’ve made a point of not picking it up, but it’s in grocery stores, convenience stores and airports, so the cover has been able to shout at me with its picture of what appears to be a girl wearing a chandelier.

With this temptation, we guys have it a bit worse than the ladies. The devil values us as potential weapons more than women. If he can turn one of us into a rake, he can do a lot more moral damage to the community than one floozy. This isn’t so much of a theological opinion I’m expressing here, but a mathematical one – a single rake has the ability to conceive an unlimited number of uncared-for children, however the floozy is limited in her ability to run around by pregnancy and children. And, there’s the additional problem that society tends to wink at badly behaved men, but it harshly judges badly behaved women, which allows guys to “get away with” more. From a Christian point of view, being able to “get away with” more means “more help in destroying yourself.”

How to fight: View celibacy as a daily project

A lot of decisions we make in our lives are things we decide once and stick with it for ten years, for example, what color to paint your house. Other decisions aren’t as easy to stick to, especially when there are thousands of little hormones swimming through your body to tell you to do the exact opposite. Celibacy falls into the latter category. It’s not something you stick to over the course of ten years, it’s something you commit to every day. Some days, especially when I was a teacher of Ukrainian teenagers, it was a decision that I had to re-make several times a day.

If you’re wavering in your resolve, you need to be careful whom you tell. I remember one very stressful month in the Peace Corps, I was hoping for some kindly support from a medical officer.

She told me that whatever my decision was about sex, I shouldn’t be miserable about it.

I said that it wasn’t that cut and dry; some days you are miserable trying to resist.

She told me I was making things more difficult than they should.

I said, “You have no idea what it’s like to be male and single in this country!”

She said, “If I were male and single, I’d have had sex with someone by now!”

(As an aside, mental stress is probably the number one reason Peace Corps volunteers go home early – they call these “Whack-Evacs,” and they put you on an airplane to Washington D.C., make you sit around and talk to counselors for a week to make sure you’re not a threat to yourself, and then discharge you.)

You’ll need support in your efforts to remain celibate. Going to a priest for Confession often is the best way. If the Internet is giving you problems, you might think about taking a break from it just to get an idea of what life is like without seeing people’s humanity getting twisted that way. It still will be possible to keep in contact with your friends. The Postal Service has these nifty prepaid postcards that allow you to jot down quick notes to people without having to search for an envelope or stamps. They’re cheap, too.

It’s not an easy struggle that you’re taking on. You need to be strict with yourself, but only for a little while. Then, start up with another little while of being strict. This is why they’re called daily prayers that we say each day.

Good Distractions

Find a quirky hobby and push it as far as you can go. Mine is bicycling. My longest day, after years of practice, was 143 miles and 10,000 feet of elevation gain. A month later, I got married and am now required to carry a cell phone and check in twice a day.

Eat garlic. Lots of it. You’re not going to be able to do that with just anyone, you know. My record for a day was two full bulbs, sautéed. I had an ironclad immune system, and breath that could take the rust off my bicycle. This is especially helpful if you’re trying to get rid of an eager man or woman in your community whom you don’t like. If garlic doesn’t suit your fancy, find some other stinky food, such as Limburger cheese.

Learn to cook a lot of recipes. If your future spouse is as picky an eater as mine is, only about a quarter of your recipes are going to pass muster. You’ll need some extra recipes to fall back upon.

Get a dog. Here you will find a true friend. And, probably your dog will be a good test of character for future boyfriends / girlfriends. Could you be married to someone who doesn’t like throwing a tennis ball 100 times a day? This way, you’ll find out!

Read the Best of Craigslist. Craigslist, as you probably know, is a graphics-minimal community board on which you can post an advertisement for anything you want to buy, sell, or do. The staff of craigslist doesn't edit the site much. If a high number of readers flag a posting as inappropriate, it’ll get taken off, or if there’s a posting that made people laugh, they can flag it for Best-of-Craigslist.

The Best-of-Craigslist postings, about half of which have to do with dating, give you an entertaining window into the swinging single scene of the cities while leaving you detached from its pain. The sorts of nightmare dates that get described here will make you glad that you’re too quirky to get a date with the “cool” people.

Donate a pint of blood every eight weeks. Nothing like a mild case of anemia to suck the passion out of you for a couple of days. And, you’re saving lives! Click here to find a blood donation center in your neighborhood.

Buy a studfinder. Carry it around at church and point it at boys. If it beeps, he might be worth something! But, be careful, it could also find you a blockhead.

Have a whine and oil day. This is when you get your friends of the same sex together and you complain about how difficult it is to be Orthodox and single. You wish that your priest would make an effort to bring frumpy/nerdy-free converts into the church. Guys devise some plans for getting girls, including sneaking over to stand next to them before the kiss of peace. Girls contrive to trip while standing up from a prostration and to fall into the arms of the handsome firefighter who comes to church once in a while. Work with your friends to come up with a few good pick-up lines, for example:

• What’s your favorite tone?


• Did Batushka buy some new incense or do you always smell that good?


• You’re even prettier than your icon!
  

And then, the one that actually works (and was recommended by a priest):

• Christ is Risen! (Because then you get a kiss.)

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