Internet dating for the Orthodox

Does that smiley :-) mean she loves me?

The Internet is an extreme place, and it has been since its beginning. It was designed for an extreme purpose – so the U.S. military could keep communicating during nuclear war. I got on the Internet in 1994, back before the graphics worked right, and I liked participating in political discussion groups, which were dominated by Communists. I don’t mean that in a pejorative sense, they really were Communists who opined about Paradise being lost when the evil fascist-capitalists toppled the Soviet Union.

This isn’t to say that there aren’t quality people on the Internet. What it does mean is that if someone is a nutjob with no sense of moderation or social skills, he or she will end up on the Internet. To compound that danger is the fact that the Orthodox community being so small, if this nutjob knows you, he or she will eventually find you, in person...

This happened to me, once. (Earlier, this section of the blog had a description of the Cyberzealot involved in this scary acquaintance. I changed significant details about her, but too many people have said that it was still obvious. Sigh. Our community is too darn small...)

Internet Dating Sites

Upon finding a dating Web site such as orthodoxchristiandating.com, or learning that the famous “scientifically proven” eharmony.com allows you to restrict matches by Orthodox Christianity can give you a real boost of enthusiasm, but you have to stay cautious just the same. One girl I met on eharmony told me that I was the best connection she made through the site – the only other guy who found her was a prisoner in Texas at a penitentiary that apparently allows Internet usage. (She’s now happily married to another guy.)

Once you get past the screwballs, you’re going to be astonished by how absurdly small the community of young Orthodox Christians looking specifically to marry another Orthodox is. I say this not because of the low number of matches I got, but because I already knew most of the girls that orthodoxchristiandating.com connected me to. That silly Web site matched me with my ex-girlfriend, a girl who had been at a wedding in Portland that I had also attended, and three childhood friends of a co-worker at the Orthodox agency where I was working. The moment that made me realize that it was time to stop embarrassing myself -- with a profile that anyone could tell was me -- was when it connected me with the eldest daughter of the priest who baptized me.

Another problem with Internet dating is that it’s kind of a reality-exempt place. You can make yourself sound a lot more interesting than you are, and you can set some absurd expectations for what you’re looking for in a partner. One man on orthodoxchristiandating.com wrote to a female friend of mine that he was looking for a woman who fit the description at the end of the Book of Proverbs:

“A good wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant, she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and tasks for her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She girds her loins with strength and makes her arms strong…” (Proverbs 31:10-17).

It goes on to talk about how this ideal wife makes clothes of scarlet for the family.

This did not add up to a first date. It kind of freaked my friend out. I think this boy would have done well to remember that Proverbs was written poetically, and not only that, it’s more of a metaphor for God describing the type of bride He would like Israel to be than it is to describe a specific person.

A girl I got matched with on orthodoxchristiandating.com put a question to me: “I have some friends in the OCA who are kind of liberal. You’re in the OCA. Where do you stand?” I responded that I enjoyed reading the books of Schmemann, Meyendorff and Hopko, and that I agreed with them, mostly. I added that I had a policy of following the calendar of whatever parish I’m in, and letting the bishop figure out the whole New Calendar / Old Calendar thing.

She wrote back, “You’re tall, you’re witty, you’re handsome, but it just wouldn’t work out.” And I never heard from her again. Not that I’m sad about that or anything.